


Analyse d'un Navet / A failure analysis.

by Surthys



Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Comedy, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-10-30 19:24:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10883349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Surthys/pseuds/Surthys
Summary: On the citadel, Random human guy took his random turian friend to the cinema when "Alien 323: When shit hit the fan" was released.Afterwards, the debrief didn't went as he expected.





	Analyse d'un Navet / A failure analysis.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this story in a few hours, because this week I saw two movies who were really dissapointing. Blame me all you want, I have no regrets.

A turian and a human were sitting at a small cafe terrasse in the presidium, arguing about “When shit hit the fan.” a movie produced by Kim Joseng they just finished to see in the cinema. 

Xanthius was looking at his human friend, with a heavy glare.

John for his part, shifted on his seat, visibly uncomfortable.

After a few moments, the human resigned to look at the turian.

“What” said john.

“How could you…”

“I know, I know, this movie was… kind of unique…”

“It was supposed to be a horror movie.” reproached Xanthius.

“Some elements weren’t as horrifying as the producer had intended initially, maybe, but it was still scary enough.”

“Sharks in the water supply of the presidium…” said Xanthius, nodding his head on a patronizing tone.

“It could be possible! imagine the secondary relay of the presidium felt into a water planet... with sharks…”

“They couldn’t travel through the portal since they can’t send a signal to the relay.”

“Biotic sharks!”

“without implant?”

“Biotic rachni sharks!”

“Ok, ok… if you say so… but what about the botanist?” asked Xanthius

“What about him?” replied John.

“Is it considered a safe protocol for human botanists to eat the first weird looking mushroom, one could come across?”

“Mmm… maybe? if it looks like the good kind of mushrooms.”

“It was Purple, with red stripes.”

“To defend itself against predators… because it’s inoffensive and quite tasty?”

“With an ominous green glowing aura and emitting some blood chilling sounds?”

“That’s meant it was very fresh and organic. quality shows itself in any product.”

“So that’s why he spilled blood all over her crew few minutes later?”

“She also had a drink from her bottle, it could have been the water who would have been poisoned.”

“The female doctor also drank from it.”

“Then she poisoned it.”

“After the botanist drank first.”

“The he was allergic.”

“To water?” replied Xanthius dubiously.

“Dextro-water?” argued john.

“Nonsense. I’m sure it was the mushroom. So next question: why did the quarantine zone had a huge shatterable glass window?”

“Duh! To see if the patient is ok, of course.”

“But why not bulletproof glass?”

“Did the patient carried a gun?”

“No, but he was unstable, and there was lots of things inside the quarantine room he could have used against the glass, like the monitor, the steeled chair, the hammer, or the frag grenade.”

“Why would he want to leave the quarantine zone?”

“Because he’s unstable?”

“Not possible. Unstable people can’t stand upward, and can even less coordinate their movement to throw thing.”

“Well, maybe he couldn't but the black creature who hatched from the egg the geologist gulped whole from before, it, whent through it easily.”

“Yeah, that was for the best, there were people in the quarantine zone.”

“They were all dead, killed by the creature when it left.” countered Xanthius

“Yes but they could have been alive. so it was for the best.” affirmed john

“I’m sure the medical team, who got slaughtered afterwards, shared your opinion.”

“Well it was the cop’s mistake initially.” 

“So, by that you mean?”

“That when it hatched from his back, the C-sec agent should have cuffed the alien.”

“Why cuffing it, killing him while he was still drowsy was definitely the best move.”

“Typically turian, shoot first, ask question later.”

“In most situations, it’s the best course of actions to stay alive when you encounter something foreign, potentially deadly, in unsecured circumstances.” replied Xanthius

“Yeah, that science vessel was soo scary, I understood perfectly…” said John sarcastically.

“Hey, if you make an allusion to the relay 314 incident…”

“First contact war.”

“My point exactly. Kill it, study it and then make peace with it if it’s harmless.” said Xanthius, a smile in his mandibles.

“anyway. It would have been wrong to kill it at first sight, It could have been peaceful.”

“It reproduce by killing his human host.”

“But it’s his nature, we can’t hold him responsible for this.”

“It, not him, it! And yes, we totally could. anyway, moving on, did the scenarist made some research about the other citadel council's species? because hanar can only digest small phytoplankton with their tentacles.”

“Yes, and?”

“I doubt they have the ability to digest a grown marine in full armor with his weapon loaded full of incendiary ammo.”

“You never know, maybe the hanar gave you false information to look harmless while infiltrating the citadel.”

“Yes… that and the keepers being camouflaged geths working undercover since before the quarian created them, waiting for the right moment to pounce from the tunnels on their unsuspecting victims to drag them into the protein vats, that made a lot of sense.” the turian’s tone was dripping with sarcasm.

“Still, when both are killed, geths and keepers dissolve into a grey goo. Coïncidence? I think not.” whispered john, shiftingly looking at the nearest keeper with evil intentions.

“Speaking about coincidence, I suppose it really was a coincidence that this mysterious box shipped from a Quarian vessel curiously orbiting rannoch never went through the Citadel mail scan.”

“You’re really grumpy, even for a Turian, seeing evil at every corner.”

“Yeah, and when the captain killed his second in command just because one of his hair was found on the dead body, isn’t at all jumping to the conclusions.”

“That was sufficient evidence.”

“Could have been placed here to inculpate the second in command, especially when the man who replaced him afterwards was the man who first “noticed” then “retrieved” the hair on the dead body.”

“Could have been lucky.”

“300 meters away.”

“eagle eye.”

“Don’t know what’s an eagle, but next the worst occurred. Knowing that creature laid eggs inside the humans, why didn’t they checked the timoneer insides, to know if he wasn’t carrying any since he had a long interaction with one of these creatures, alone with no witness?”

“His jaw was damaged… do you know how bad a dammaged jaw can hurt?”

“So esthetic surgery is more important than safety.”

“Safety’s boring, sometimes, you have to take some risks.”

“And by doing so, endangering the 13.2 million other beings in the citadel… just for facial reconstruction.”

“In the same situation, you would have done the same.”

“No, in the same situation, I would have been wearing a fully sealed armor to prevent any unidentified pathogen to penetrate my organism, then shot Kregan if he had started to spill blood from every orifice, then shot the alien fetus, then called the Hierarchy to blow up the planet’s surface who was clearly a lvl 4 biohazard, then I would have decontaminated the entire ship plus the crew, and would have certainly not skip the quarantine procedures afterwards, who I would have done in the Turian ward of the citadel, where there is no shatterable windows and only remote controlled camera. The engineer wouldn’t have been driven insane and woudn’t have unleashed the AI into the nanites from rannoch to infect the black alien in order to open the mass relay to bring your biotic rachny-sharks into the water supply of the citadel to make the hanar worship them thinking they were their enkindlers, and being ordered to give the signal to the geths disguised as keeper for them to abduct human girls and children into their tunnels to change them into these… dead walking colorful creature.”

“Zombi-clowns” clarified john.

“Zombi-clowns to hide in the narrow streets of the wards to kill people with acid spilling water-guns.” finished Xanthius.

“Yeah, but then, this movie wouldn’t have been as amazing.”

“You found it amazing?”

“Yeah, it was scary, and angsty, I was totally bluffed in the end when Shawn escaped in the last pod with his wife, only to realise that it was a thresher maw who had took her appearance when he finally thought everything was safe. Ah! that was a good scare.”

The turian’s eyebrow would have raised even more if it wasn’t at his full height already, since a few minutes before.

“Boy, let me show you what we, turians, consider a true horror movie.” Said Xanthius.

“Something on your mind.” asked john, clearly intrigued.

“I’m thinking about “Last resort” from Degis Filuth, one of the best we ever made. I’ve got it in my database, you want to come to my place to see it?”

“Alright, bring it on Palaven! I bet nothing is scarier than: When shit hit the fan”.

“Don’t expect mercy from me.” said the turian with a smirk in his mandibles.

A few hours later, John was still shivering into Xanthius’ lap, crying silently and totally afraid while he gripped Xanthius’ carapace, looking for protection. In turn, the turian passed his talons through the human’s hair, trying to soothe john from his emotions, torn between a pure evil glee to have made his human friend realise what really was a true horror movie in this galaxy, and guilt to benefit from john soft and frail contact against his denuded carapace.

**Author's Note:**

> There, it should at least give you a smile ^^.  
> Thanks for reading, now go pet a turian would you?


End file.
